


Letters to MBLAQ

by annalulz



Series: MBLAQ [2]
Category: MBLAQ
Genre: Gen, M/M, OT5 friendship (MBLAQ), YG family cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalulz/pseuds/annalulz
Summary: A ratty old notebook filled with the thoughts of a boy, as he turns into a man, away from his family.From the day his life took a turning point till his last breath.(this fanfic has been imported from asianfanfics, originally posted on that site on october 15, 2014)
Relationships: Park Sanghyun | Thunder/Yang Seungho (MBLAQ)
Series: MBLAQ [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1831258





	1. Prologue

They had agreed to meet on their ninth anniversary, but because Cheolyong and Sanghyun were still in the army at the time, they moved the meeting date to the next year.

Cheolyong had just gotten out of the army a few days before and had arrived on time at the place and time set. The oldest three were there already. The four men looked at the empty seat with heaviness and heartache.

People were discreetly and not-so-discreetly snapping photos of them with their cellphones, but when the woman entered the restaurant and walked toward them, all discretion went out the window and the rest of the patrons were crazily snapping pictures and uploading them on Twitter.

The petite figure of the woman they had pressed to meet all those years ago, whose brother had said that they would meet her over his dead body, had reached their table, bowed politely at them and introduced herself.

"Hello, I'm Sandara Park. I am here on behalf of my brother."

They stared numbly at her as she pulled out a ratty old notebook from her purse and handed it to the oldest.

"He asked me to give this to you, Seungho-ssi," the woman said, bowing slightly again, preparing to leave. "He said to tell you to keep it, since it's for you."

With another short bow, Sandara turned away and left, flashes following her as she did. The four men stared at the notebook, sadness eating away at their hearts. Cheolyong held back the tears; a sniffle could be heard from where Changsun was sitting; Byunghee had his hands balled into fists over the table; Seungho felt his heart shatter in a million pieces when his eyes fell on the neat yet still awkward calligraphy of his missing dongsaeng.

"Open it!" Byunghee urged him through clenched teeth.

Seungho's eyes remained on the cover for another second, the words etching in his memory as he turned to the first page.

** _Letters to MBLAQ_ **


	2. Letters to Mir

_January 1, 2015_

I woke up today feeling refreshed and with lyrics in my mind. My first thought was to give you a call to help me out with the rap. Our maknae rapper could always make my songs better with his raps. I never thanked you for that. 12 Months is to this day, my biggest masterpiece and it wouldn't be so without your help. But I can't call you now, since it's CEO Yang's order to keep business strictly between YG idols. I got to work with Tablo hyung, and GD hyung also helped out, but it's not the same as with you, maknae. You will always be my maknae even if I'm here and not there with you.

Sorry for disappointing you, Cheolyongie.

“Yah, Doong-ah!” Jiyong yelled, waving a hand in front of his face. “You’re spacing out again!”

“Sorry, hyung,” he replied, turning back to the computer screen.

GD sighed, rubbing his face with a hand. “Take ten minutes, okay? We’ll continue after.”

“Hyung… I’m fine, I can work—” Sanghyun started to say, but the older cut him off.

“I—I can’t say I understand what you’re going through,” Jiyong said, turning of the monitor. “BIGBANG was never close to disbanding, although considering how we all are doing our own thing and haven’t had a comeback in years, someone could think we are, but… It will get better, I promise.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Sanghyun said with a sad smile.

_March 3, 2016_

Maknae! Happy Birthday~~! Your new album is daebak. I bought three copies kkk. Dadoongie likes it a lot too.

I miss you, Bang Puppy.

“Hey!” a female voice called from somewhere to his right, and he looked up to see Chaerin coming toward him. “Your sister is looking for you, why are you hiding in the gym?”

“I’m not hiding,” he said, closing the notebook. “It’s too noisy downstairs. I can’t focus.”

“Ah.” She nodded understandingly. The Running Man crew were going through the building, chasing WINNER around. “We’re holed up in our recording room. You should come with us. At least you won’t be alone if they find you.”

“I’ll go down in a bit,” he said, smiling at the girl.

“Bommie has food~”

He laughed loudly at the bait, and nodded his head. He got to his feet, and dusted off his pants.

“As long as it’s not corn.”

Chaerin laughed and led him downstairs.


	3. Letters to G.O

_November 1, 2014_

Wah! Our honey vocal Jung Byunghee! Happy Birthday hyungie! How old are you again? You might need a walking stick next year kkk I'll buy you one.

I wish I could say happy birthday to your face, but I'm too much of a coward to face you and see the hatred in your eyes. I'm sorry for being so selfish hyung, I'll reflect on my actions and be better in the future.

Until the day we can see each other again, happy birthday Fur G.O~!

He sat on his bed, phone in hand, his finger slowly moving over the bright screen.

_Happy birthday G.O oppa^^_

_Smile oppa_

_I love you, Byunghee, happy_ _birthday!_ ♥

_Love you, happy birthday!_

The overflowing love from their fans toward G.O brought a small smile to his face. He scrolled through all of the older’s mentions on Twitter, seeing all the birthday wishes he got. Despite everything, their fans were still by their side.

_Can I still call them_ my _fans, though?_

He buried his head under his pillow, ignoring the angry meow Dadoong let out as he was thrown off it.

_July 6, 2016_

You and Seungho hyung are out of the army at last. Wah! Has it been really 18 months? How are you hyung? I hope you are feeling well. I saw the pictures of your last meeting with the others on Twitter. The buzz cut doesn't suit you kkk, your head looks like an egg. Wish I could have been there with you, but I'm still a coward. I wonder if you still hate me like you said, before the concert. I still cherish you hyung. I will buy your new solo album when it comes out.

**_MBLAQ’S SEUNGHO AND G.O RETURN FROM MILITARY SERVICE. TRIO TO HOLD CONCERT IN AUGUST._ **

He couldn’t get past the headline. He couldn’t go through another article talking about how he and Joon had left; how they always mentioned MBLAQ was a trio now. How he had lost contact with them when he left J Tune Camp for YG.

How he was a traitor.

“Yah! Doongie, help me out here, will ya!” Seungri yelled from the treadmill. He was panting loudly, holding onto the bars tightly with his feet in the air. “Get off your damn phone and turn this thing off!”

“I told you not to put it too fast, Seungri!” he yelled back, pocketing his phone, and walking over to the machine. The maknae of BIGBANG had returned from Japan a couple of days ago, and had begged him to help him work out. “Who are you trying to impress? CL-ssi?”

“Shut up and help me!” Seungri said, blushing crimson.

Chuckling he turned down the machine, and watched Seungri place his feet down on the treadmill.

“Man, I’m hungry! Let’s go eat something!”

“You’re never going to lose weight if you keep eating noodles right after exercising.”

“I get hungry, man!”

“That’s the point.”

Seungri draped an arm over his shoulder, and pulled him down to the cafeteria. “I want jjajangmyeon.”

“Don’t ask me to exercise with you again,” he said to the younger.

Seungri pouted all the way down to the cafeteria.


	4. Letters to Joon

_February 7, 2015_

Lee Joon-ssi lovely~ Lee Joon-ssi wonderful~

Our Hollywood star! It's your birthday hyung! I ate a chocolate cake in your name. Wah! You are so busy lately, you barely have time to sleep. Take care of yourself hyung, we don't want you getting sick. Are you sleeping well? Are you taking your medicines? I ask myself these questions, worrying over you every time I see you on TV.

Your movie was daebak hyung! And your drama is so good too! I postponed watching it for some time but now I am watching it. Thank god for the internet kkk.

Thank you for always being kind to me, even to the last moment. I never thanked you properly so thank you.

I admit I was bitter toward you. You were actor Joon, following your true path, while I was a traitor, MBLAQ's black hole, who would never accomplish anything outside the group.

I'm sitting in the recording studio at the YG building, pretending to write songs while I'm really writing to you.

I wish I hadn't Left J Tune Camp. You guys are my family and I hate it here.

Teddy hyung wants to record. I have to go.

He gave the CCTV camera a wary glance, knowing that Yang Hyunsuk was probably watching him from behind a screen. Sighing, he closed the notebook and set it aside, shaking his head to focus on his task. ‘ _Write a song for WINNER_ ’, the CEO had said, and he was struggling to find something that would fit the boys’ style and wasn’t a depressing song reflecting his miserable mood.

Teddy walked into the studio, noticed the notebook lying next to him and ignored it. The people at YG had learned not to ask or mention the notebook, knowing what he wrote there.

“Do you have something good?” the producer said, pointing to the screen, where he was arranging the melody for WINNER’s new song.

“Yeah, I think so,” he said, and pressed play, to let Teddy hear what he had done.

_December 14, 2015_

Viva Actor Joon! Congratulations on your win of actor of the year! I knew you would get it. Good luck in the army hyung. Say hi to the others for me when you see them.

Sanghyun smiled at the TV, as he watched Joon’s acceptance speech. Short, but honest, deep from his heart, like all the things the older said. He remembered all the things Joon’s honesty had sparked in variety shows, with the media and with the fans. They had called him ‘Muscle Idiot’ for it, but all the MBLAQ members and their fans knew that Joon wasn’t an idiot. That he was a kind-hearted man, wise although not book smart.

He grabbed his phone and composed a text to Joon, to congratulate him. He never sent it.

It sat in his drafts along with the twenty others he had written to Seungho, Byunghee and Cheolyong and never sent.

He didn’t know if they had changed their numbers since he last saw them, but seeing their names on his phone felt like a small connection to them.

The only connection he had to them.


	5. Letters to Seungho

_October 16, 2014_

This is my first letter to you. Happy Birthday hyung. I wish you didn't have to spend your birthday upset. This is not how I wanted you to find out. Your words from yesterday still ring in my ears. I understand hyung. I hate myself too. But like the first day I said it to you, I will love you until my dying breath. I hope there is still a part of you that loves me too.

It was supposed to be a happy day for us, our debut anniversary, but I ruined it, didn't I? I hope one day you can forgive me.

_December 25, 2014_

Merry Christmas~~! It's our first Christmas away from each other. There's a party downstairs but I'm hiding away in the studio. Yang hwajangnim came to tell me to go down there, but I told him I'd rather work.

I miss you, Panda.

“It’s Christmas, Doongie,” Hyunsuk said, standing by the open door. You should try to have some fun.”

“I—I’ll go down later, boss. I’m almost done.”

The CEO didn’t push the issue further and nodded. He had turned away to leave, but he looked back at Sanghyun with an understanding smile.

“You’ll be fine.”

The man left, closing the door, and Sanghyun buried his face in his arms.

He sobbed there for half an hour, wishing to turn back time.

_No, I won_ _’_ _t._

_February 28, 2015_

Good luck in the army Seungho. I wish I could go and say goodbye, but I know you'll turn away. So I say goodbye here.

**_[NEWS] MBLAQ’S SEUNGHO AND G.O HEAD TO THE ARMY_ **

As is mandatory for all males in Korea, MBLAQ’s Seungho and G.O don’t shy away from their duty.

Today is a sad day for MBLAQ fans, as two of the, now trio, boy group head off to serve for two years in the army, as is mandatory for all males in Korea, and male idols aren’t exempt from this. See the pics of them in their army uniform below!

_ SEE ALSO: MBLAQ’S Mir prepares debut solo album _

Meanwhile, the group’s maknae and rapper is set to release a new hip-hop themed album in April.

_October 16, 2015_

Another birthday and I'm not by your side. I regret being here more and more each day. Noona says I will be fine.

What do I care if I reached number one on the charts? What does it matter that the WINNER song I wrote got an all-kill on MCD? You're in the army, and I'm alone.

“OMO!” Dara exclaimed, watching the boys of WINNER receive the trophy from the MC. “Look Doong-ah! They won!” She jumped up and down excitedly on the couch, as the boys gave their thank-you speech, confetti flying around them.

“Yeah, they won, that’s nice.”

“It’s your song!—Ah, cutie Jinwoo just thanked you in his speech!” His sister clapped loudly, cheering and talking to the TV.

“Yeah.” He looked back to his phone, the last photo of him and Seungho together shined at him through the screen.

_October 15, 2016_

Can you guys ever forgive me?

**_[BREAKING] MBLAQ CONFIRM DISBANDING. LAST ALBUM SCHEDULED TO DROP AT THE END OF OCTOBER_ **

Sad news for MBLAQ fans as today, which marks their 7th anniversary since debut, is confirmed what we all knew was coming from two years ago, when former members Lee Joon, now a full-time actor with a career at its peak, and Thunder, now signed to YG as a solo artist, composer and model, departed from the group in 2014 to pursue their individual careers.

Read their agency’s statement below—

He shut down his computer, holding back the tears.

_This is all my fault._

_June 4, 2017_

It's been so long. I have been too busy. I ended up in the hospital twice from over-exhaustion. I hate YG. I'll be going to the army in a couple of days. I'll be a nervous wreck on that day, but not yet. I can't take this with me, so I won't be able to write to you for a long time.

I love you Yang Seungho.

“Did you pack socks?” Dara asked, poking her head in his room.

“Noona! Stop bugging me! I have time!” he exclaimed, looking up at her from his duffle bag.

“Omma told me to remind you,” she said sticking her tongue out at him. “Aigoo, our baby Doongie is all grown up now.”

“Noona, I have to pack,” he whined, throwing an old T-shirt at her.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to help you?”

“I’m fine, Dara. After all, it’s not like you’re gonna be there when I need to fold my clothes.”

_September 29, 2019_

Wah! I can't believe it's been ten years already. I miss you all so much. Cheolyongie called. He just got out of the army as well. Wow, we are all men now huh? No doubt about it now. Mir said you guys are planning a ten year reunion thing and it would be nice if I went. I wonder if after ten years, you guys have forgiven me. I'm sorry MBLAQ disappeared because of me. The albums are brilliant. When I heard the songs, I imagined I was in the recording booth with you, fooling around as I waited for my turn and I wondered if I stayed, which lines would have been mine. Even if I had just one, I would have been happy.

I told Cheolyong I'd go to the meeting. I'm nervous and scared. Please, don't hate me still.

I love you, Yang Seungho.


	6. Together for the last time

That was the last letter. Seungho felt his cheeks burning slightly. They had hidden their relationship from the others, trying to find the right time to tell them, but it never came. Sanghyun left MBLAQ and went to YG, and they broke up on their debut after the news of his leaving broke out. They put on smiling faces for the fans on their concert, but the break was there. Sanghyun had been holding back the tears the entire show, Byunghee's spiteful words resonating in everyone's ears. As soon as the concert was over, Sanghyun grabbed the things he had brought with him to the show and left by himself. They never saw him again.

A tear ran down his cheek as he looked up to his brothers and saw they were all in similar states. Cheolyong was red-faced sobbing like he only did, hiding his mouth with one hand to muffle the sounds. Changsun was crying silently, his cheeks tear-stained. Byunghee had hidden behind sunglasses, but he could still see the tears glistening in his eyes, and saw one escape and run down to the fur man's chin.

"That—that was the last one." He looked down at the notebook still open in his hands. The paper was crumpled in some parts, a few parts blurry, from tears that Sanghyun had cried while writing the words.

"We knew, hyung," Mir said, wiping his face. "About you and Doongie hyung."

"You—you did?"

"It's hard not to, when the dorm walls are so thin and you have your room next to yours," Byunghee said raising an eyebrow behind his glasses. "I couldn't sleep because of the noises."

Seungho's light pink blush turned crimson at his friend's words.

"There were times when I wondered if you weren't killing him in there," Mir said cheekily, his face still red and his eyes puffy. "The way he moaned—"

"Yah!" Seungho yelled, grabbing the younger by his shirt. The maknae only smirked at him, but he could see the pain in his eyes. Across the table, Joon was half-chuckling, half-sobbing behind his hand. "I—I t-think that wa-was the reason f-for my insomnia."

"All I could hear at night was the thumping of your bed against the wall," Byunghee added with a snicker.

"Shut up, you bastards!" Seungho hissed, tomato red, at his ex-bandmates, as they laughed at his expense.

The laughter died down pretty quickly when they remembered why the other half of the joke wasn't there.

Seungho's hold on the old notebook tightened, crumpling the pages even more, as more tears fell down his cheeks.

"We should go see him," Mir suggested.

"Yeah," the other two chorused, nodding.

They all looked at him, like in the old days, when he was their leader and his word was the final one. He didn't want to go. It would make everything more real and he avoided it as much as he could, he even ignored Dara's call the day after, not even wanting to think about it.

He agreed in the end, after seeing the expectant looks on his dongsaengs' faces. He paid the bill and they left amongst a blur of flashes.

It took them ten minutes to find the place, and when they did, Mir dropped to his knees to bow at the slab of stone. Byunghee and Joon did the same but he couldn't move. His eyes were glued to the picture. Sanghyun's sweet, smiling face looked back at him and all he could do was let the tears flow.

_"I'm sorry Doongie, I miss you so much."_

The day after his last letter was written, Sanghyun was in his van, driving to record a show. The car was hit from behind and toppled over the railing. His manager died instantly but he was still alive when the police got to the car, and he was rushed to the hospital. One of the medics from the ambulance had told Dara that all the boy did was call his name.

_Seungho, Seungho, Seungho, Seungho..._

Those were his last words. They put him in the ICU, but it was too late. He died ten minutes after.

Dara had called him over and over and over again, but he refused all her calls. Then she called his mother and she passed on the message.

_Sanghyun is dead, the memorial is tomorrow. He_ _’_ _ll be buried the next day._

He was thankful to know that he wouldn't be cremated. At least this way, he would have something more than an urn to visit when he stopped being a coward.

The media was a frenzy on the day of his burial, the buzz being how his ex-bandmates and their families had gone to pay their last respects to him, except for himself—even Seunghoon had gone, and he had never been close to Sanghyun. The MBLAQ members were given a special place next to Sanghyun's family, at Dara's request, claiming they were his second family, his brothers. The people at YG had been pushed to the middle except for the 2ne1 girls sitting a few rows behind Dara, showing her support. It would have been a beautiful ceremony if it wasn't for the paparazzi flashing their cameras at whatever celebrity came on their path.

The news articles that came after, only talked about MBLAQ paying respect to their former bandmate, wondering where their beloved leader was. Sanghyun's death and accident were mentioned almost in passing.

_Even in his death_ , he had thought bitterly, closing his laptop with a loud noise throwing it away, _even in his death he's thrown aside in favor of the rest._ And in that moment, Seungho understood why Sanghyun had left.

He watched as Mir carefully placed the bouquet of flowers on top of the stone and he had to look away from the words written in gold.

**_Park Sanghyun_ **

**_Oct. 7, 1990_ ** **_–_ ** **_Sept. 30, 2019_ **

**_Beloved son, friend and brother._ **

_"I'm sorry for not believing in you, Sanghyun. I hope you are in a better place now."_

* * *


End file.
